


The Real Me

by itishardtopickausername



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 10:51:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4743563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itishardtopickausername/pseuds/itishardtopickausername
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa is so beautiful. That's what every person who sees him thinks. Oikawa is so gorgeous... I wonder if he knows it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Real Me

**Author's Note:**

> This fic could be very triggering, please do not read if you see something in the tags of this fic that could hurt you in some way.
> 
> For those of you who do read it, I hope you'll like it. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Oikawa Tooru is a successful model. He has the looks, the body, the style and the attitude.  
  


Oikawa Tooru know very well how to make people scream. All he needed to do was flash his charismatic smile and pose his sexy pose and people would fall down to their feet for him.

There is not a person in this whole world that could ignore Oikawa Tooru's beauty. His Perfectly styled brown hair falls nicely on his forehead, leading to his hypnotizing eyes. Brown and sharp, they seem to know everything that goes on inside your soul. His little nose sat perfectly and comfortably on his face and his lips seemed so soft and pink, making every person who looked at them want to kiss them.

  
Oikawa Tooru was beautiful and sexy, he was what every guy wished to be. He was charismatic and confident.

At least, he acted this way.

Although Oikawa Tooru was successful, although there was never a person in the world who had thought he's ugly, although everyone adored him, although everyone told him how amazing he is, Oikawa Tooru didn't feel this way at all.

After posing for the cameras and signing his name on papers and pictures of himself, Oikawa Tooru would go back to his house, and there he could stop the act, there he could put down the smile, there he could let his tears stream down.

Oikawa Tooru seemed confident, but each time he looked in the mirror, he would flinch from his appearance. Each time he would take a shower and look down at his body, he would sigh heavily and close his eyes in frustration from the looks of what he hated so much. He would then sit down in the shower, letting the water hit his head while he was curled up in himself, letting all his feeling come out in the shape of little silent tears and sharp nails digging on his skin.

 

Oikawa Tooru's main problem with his appearance was always his stomach. He always thought it was too fatty, too big, too ugly and unappealing.

Ever since he was a 16 Oikawa Tooru tried making it better. At that age he decided eating was his problem. If he'd continue eating like he had been eating till then, it would never get better. He tried reducing his meals, making each meal of the day smaller. Then he decided that having a few meals a day was too much, so he decided to stop having breakfast and dinner, lunch was enough and maybe something little during the day if he felt like he really needed it. Later he decided that lunch was unnecessary, letting himself have only this one little thing.

It worked. Quickly Oikawa Tooru began receiving endless compliments on how nicely he lost weight. At first, all these compliments made him happy, it was the first time he felt content with his body.

But it didn't last long.

Just as quickly as the compliments started flying his way, so did the anxiety from putting all the weight back on. Oikawa Tooru started feeling so stressed from the disappointment that will come his way if he gains all the weight he had lost so far. He started feeling so anxious from eating and from food.

Every time Oikawa Tooru lost to his urges and ate something that he shouldn't have, like a cake in birthday parties, or some pizza with friends, he would get himself into an anxiety attack. When he ate them, he thought he could make up for it by exercising harder than he used to. But even after he did it, he felt guilty for giving up to his urges, for losing control over himslef, for being weak..

This feeling, this constant enxiety never left Oikawa Tooru. Every toothy smile he gave for the fans, was hiding all those times he brushed his teeth rapidly, fearing they may rot after all the vomit that left his mouth just a moment before, every pose he gave for the camera hid a curled up boy, crying himself to sleep, every interview was filled with lies and secrets.

 

The boy tried so hard to accept his body. All these times he stood in front of a mirror and whispered encouraging words to himslef, every time he praised himslef to people had a shred of hope that someday he may really feel this way about himself...

But the hope was all for naught. Days, months, years passed and Oikawa Tooru felt nothing different towards himself. He still looked at himself in the mirror and saw nothing more than a pathteic person, filled with self-hatred and ugliness. He still faked his charisma, he still faked his confidence, he still faked his smiles, he still faked his happiness. Actually, everything that Oikawa Tooru showed to the world was fake. None of it was really his true self.

Of course, there were days when it was better. There were days that he didn't feel so ugly and sad. There were days that his smile was real and alive, there were days that he could look in the mirror and do a funny face to himself. There were good days. But they didn't make up for all the bad ones.

And when a person has so many bad days, yet an amount of good days that he can count on his fingers, he will get tired of it. Someday, he will ask himself, what is the point? Why is he so sad? Why can't he accept himself? Why can't he found happiness that will last? Why was he even living if all he felt was sadness?

Oikawa Tooru had many days of asking himself these questions and others. Some days, he could find answers. Happiness may still come, maybe someday he will find the strength to accept himself fully and wholeheartedly, maybe he lives for other people and not for himself.

But on other days, he couldn't find any satisfying answer. All the answers he could think of seemed meaningless and pointless.   
This was one of these days.

 

Oikawa Tooru sat on his couch, staring at his black TV with red empty eyes. He has been doing that for the past hour, staring at basically nothing in particular, trying to think of reasons why not to do what his mind had been constently telling him to do for the past few moths.

He thought and thought and nothing came to his mind, it was all blank. All he could think about was the events of that day.

He was walking out of a photoshoot, heading home, when a woman came up to him. She bowed to him and smiled gently at him. Before Oikawa could ask what she wanted, she thanked him. Oikawa looked at her, confusion written all over his face. She smiled again and told him he was her insperation. Oikawa's eyes widened, completely shocked from the girl's words. She continued on telling him how he saved her from himself, how she used to hate everything about her, but after seeing him, after seeing all his good and encouraging words, telling people to love themselves, she changed her view on herself. She told him how she could look in the mirror now and wear tighter clothes that showed her figure.   
She then bowed once again, thanked him once again and left.

Oikawa was left completely shocked. He stood in that spot for five full minutes before he could move his legs towards the car. When he got home, he sat on the couch and stared at his black TV.  
  


It was all lies. None of it was true. He didn't save that girl. He wasn't really that boy who said all those positive things. He wasn't really a life-changing figure. Nothing about this girl's story was true. He was not the one to save her. It was not him. It was all lies.

Oikawa got up. He walked slowly towards his kitchen and got a knife. He held it tightly in his hands and started heading to his bathroom. He looked in the mirror and once again, the tears started falling from his eyes.

This was him. This crying, pathetic man, standing in front of himself and hating what he sees. This was the real him.

He held the knife close to his wrist and while looking at his crying eyes, he made the first cut. It hurt. But it didn't matter anymore. He made another cut, and another one, and another one, and another one...

  
He fell down to the floor and let go of the knife. All he could do now was wait. Wait for the darkness to finally take over him and tear him away from this world.

This was him. This was the real him. The world deserved to know that. The world deserved to know that all he was is a big lie, that girl deserved to know that he was all a lie. He didn't save her. She saved herself. She deserved to know that.

After some time spent sobbing on the floor, watching his blood leaving his body, Oikawa Tooru felt a strange feeling of tiredness. He gave up to this feeling and closed his eyes, letting himself be embraced by the darkness of death.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah... 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, I very much apperciate it. 
> 
> I've been thinking of this idea for some time.   
> I got the idea from a great fic called "Mud, Stars and You", by Beaa. (you should go read it, it's really great and this angsty don't worry haha)
> 
> Please leave a comment telling me what you think of it. 
> 
> Have a good day!


End file.
